note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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