"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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