he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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