I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
