Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
