I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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