He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
