dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
