i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
