3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize