i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
