alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
