i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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