my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
