Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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