quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
A+ Viking dick
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