I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
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