My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am available for nakedness
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
where are my eyebrows?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
