ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
