I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
