eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
