Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
