A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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