You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
