Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
