Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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