it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
