I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
