i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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