Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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