I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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