Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
