i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
