Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
