My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize