I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
