between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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