I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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