she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
