One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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