I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Two words: blizzard sex
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
