I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
