I accidentally burped into my bong.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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