I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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