A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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