She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
