She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
tell me about the eggs
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
