yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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