i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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