I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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