I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
