God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
