your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
