life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
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