i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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