hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
