You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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