What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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