I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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